UWS family embraces fiscal cliff

An Upper West Side family claims it is within thirty days of financial insolvency, but adds that this has been the case since 1990 and nothing bad has ever really happened. "We're always a paycheck away from declaring bankruptcy," explained Todd Tarpley of Manhattan. "Fortunately some bank is always willing to give us another credit card or re-fi, so--hey." His wife, Jennifer, agreed. "Could we tighten our belts and sharpen our pencils and actually get serious about balancing our budget?" she asked rhetorically. "Sure--but if there's one thing this recession has taught us, it's that there's never a bad time to take more equity out of your home."

Canadian Tourism Board names NYC family worst visitors of 2012

The Tarpley family of New York City received a special citation by Canadian officials after a five-day trip to Montreal in which they complained constantly about how cold it was in July, how bad the croissants tasted, how much the children's museum sucked, and the fact that Canadian currency featured the Queen of England. "They couldn't find a single prominent Canadian?" asked Jennifer Tarpley, loudly enough to be overheard by locals. "What about John Candy?" offered her husband, Todd. Sons Samuel and Ethan enjoyed reciting inappropriate phrases in faux French accents, but Canadian officials were less amused. "For their information we do in fact have our own government," sniffed Prime Minister Garry Trudeau. "Bacon is not our primary export, the metric system is not a ploy to overcharge for gas, and no, we do not appreciate being referred to as 'hosers.'" The Tarpleys were not on hand to accept the award, as they cut their visit short by a day to return to civilization.

Massive bathroom renovation causes thousands in damage

Officials say a destructive renovation that hit an Upper West Side apartment in October displaced at least four people for weeks and left dust-covered furniture, dangerous paint fumes, and massive bills in its wake. The apartment, which originally featured a single crumbling bathroom, now features two new bathrooms, which complement the remaining dingy walls, pet-shredded furniture, and original, urine-stained hardwood floors. A family cat that was left behind during the ordeal unfortunately managed to survive.

Two boys survive harrowing month without Internet

Two local boys are safe and sound after a terrifying ordeal that left them without Internet access for an entire month. The pair, Samuel and Ethan Tarpley of Manhattan, were displaced by bathroom renovations that left them far from their wireless zone. "We were completely cut off from civilization," said Ethan, 11, via Skype while watching YouTube videos. Samuel, 14, said he was forced to do homework for several hours a night to take his mind off of Minecraft. The two survived on smartphones, occasional hotspots, and previously downloaded content until renovations were completed.